dreams are weird. usually i don't remember them. apparently sometimes i do. because i've been going so damn hard lately, when friday or saturday night comes around, i usually sleep for twelve or more hours straight, and i dream. a lot. very vividly. i've had two super intense dreams lately that, for whatever reason, really had a major effect on me for days later.
this is the first one, from about two weeks ago. i'm reposting something i scribbled down on tumblr in the middle of the night, because it's the only thing i have left of that dream.
I just had the most beautiful and but also most terrifying dream I’ve ever had. I’ll never remember it all but I think I’ve been having it for weeks.
The elephant was first, and he was kind and pure, and I saw humanity grow through his eyes, and his pity and helplessness. Our senseless cruelty. The fires. Flying. The toy wasteful, the man murdered in the steam… Something… I’m forgetting it already. The future, the terrifying majestic post-human intelligences that looked oddly like turnips…? They rarely moved, and did so by… Not floating… It was
There was something really important there. The elephant, and the fires, and the beauty of a new humanity through his eyes, and…
Something about growing past the point of suffering.
Fuck. It was really, really important.
that makes no sense, i know, but the imagery from that dream is still in my head, and there was something i realised during it, i don't know what exactly, but for whatever reason it made things... different.
the second one is a lot clearer. it's the reason i didn't get out of bed until almost five PM today. i was half awake for several hours, just trying to fix it, so it didn't end the way it ended. that's ridiculous, fighting with your own dream to change it, but it was (and still is) really important.
in the second dream, things were somewhat like they are now. more importantly, the people were the same as they are now, and here. but we had even less time together. this isn't a dream where i need to go into a lot of detail, because it's super obvious what it meant, and what i realised about myself from it.
i have grown incredibly fond of some people here, and in a few weeks we're all going to part ways and probably never see each other again. and i'm so, so tired of losing people. i've lost a lot of people. i know that's just how things are, because people grow apart, and have other things to do, and eventually just aren't around anymore and aren't friends anymore, and that's just life. but it seems like in the past few years i've lost every person i've really loved, that way. and now i've found just a couple more who i really, really appreciate, respect, and enjoy. the kind of good people that i wouldn't mind knowing for the rest of my life. i'm terrified of losing them, too.
also, i think my dream meant that i need to sleep more during the week, stop working quite so hard, and maybe just stop caring so much. because we're all only here to try to get better jobs, not to make emotional connections that distract from that singular goal. feelings are irrelevant, and i should probably work on having them just a little less.